What women DON'T want
by KawaiiKittyChan
Summary: When her garments go missing she gives the thief a piece of her mind, Rated t for the authoress' potty mouth, panties, Alucard, and Alcohol...consumed by the authoress while writing it. Yes it is Seras/Alucard not Seras/Integra "Cough"


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No kittens were killed during the making of this ficcie. So you won't have to send Greenpeace on mi butt! I do admit that I guess at this moment there is one "Kitten" suffering slight claustrophobia being stuck between the bottom of a coffin and under a certain master vampire but I assure you I have NOTHING to do with that. PS: BOOBS WILL RULE THE WORLD! Wheeee!  
PPS: I'm drunk as hell so I don't give a flying Fk about the characters being OOC

For the making of this fanfic were needed: 3 pieces of A4 paper for drafts. 2 pens 1 eraser 5 bloody Marys 2 bottles of sake, and 4 bars of milk chocolate with nuts.

I don't own Hellsing, or Hirano, else the bastard would not have killed my favorite characters! D:  
(that and Seras and Alu-kun would have a whole nest of little vampies. Despite all this interesting ramble there won't be any smex in this story other than the humping, rubbing, pumping and... Sorry, I mean.. No smex.)

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**Everyone **could hear Alucard enter the Hellsing manor, cussing like mad, If Jan valentine's body wasn't burned to ash he'd have turned around in his grave as his world record foul language was shattered. Pip, who was sitting at Integra's desk was so shocked by big red's awesome vocabulary that he coughed spraying a mixture of wine and spittle into the Hellsing heirs face. Intergra quickly recovered and pinched the bridge of her nose while glaring the Frenchman, she could faintly pick up the words "Police girl" "Judas priest" "clothes" and a rather possessive hissing that sounded like "mine"

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**Seras** was sitting in her room typing away on her computer. (Which Integra had used to bribe her when she complained about her uniform being too tight and short) She had not noticed her master's furious shouts until he barged into her room and forcefully placed his rather large hands on her shoulders to turn her around to face him. The speed with which he did so causing her to face-plant herself in his chest. He did not pay much attention to this but instead started to yell at her_ "Police girl! What the FUCK is THIS?!"_ he yelled waving around small pink panties with a Chibi bat on the front. Seras started to blush and tried to take the piece of clot from the elder vampire_ "Master! Those are mine! Give them back!"_ Alucard glared at her and his angered scowl deepened _"Then can you tell me how the hell Anderso.."_

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**A** loud rumbling noise from Seras's dresser averted their glares from each other to the big wooden closet ( Which Integra had used to bribe her so she would not go around telling people about when she "accidentally" put her hand on Seras' butt. Seras was really starting to wonder about the woman's sexual orientation.)  
It was that moment a rather offending smell entered the elder vampire's nose and he growled when he recognized it. Seras did not pay the growl any mind and was already stalking her closet like a predator, with a serious look on her face that Alucard did not find fitting on her.

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**The** moment the closet doors flew open three different sounds could be heard: A choked gasp from Seras, a lowly growl from Alucard, and A girly scream from the closet's perpetrator who could only be identified as Paladin father Alexander Anderson. For a moment everyone stood still except Seras whose shoulders were practically trembling with rage as she eyed yet another traitorous piece of her undergarment that dared to fall into the hands of a man. A man with a shocked face that however did not hide the small droplet of what seemed to be drool on the corner of his mouth.

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**Seras** was about to forget about the fact that this man could turn her into a needle cushion whenever he pleased and go in for the kill when her master's amused laughing broke her at this moment rather limited concentration on said goal. _"Judas priest, I'd never have thought you to sink as low as diving into my fledgling's closet to steal her underwear! You are more pathetic than I thought, You really are just a dog!"_

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**Anderson** slowly got up and was about to retort with one of his own witty remarks when the sound of flesh hitting flesh was heard through the manor as Seras' flat hand collided with the paladin's cheek. He looked at her face and right now she looked quite much like the demon he made her out to be. _"Ye Lillith! How ye dareth to lay yer filthe hands on me! I shalt turn ye to dust ye abomination!"  
_fire was in her eyes as she slapped his face once again. _"Like YOU are the one to talk fucking PERVERT! For the last few weeks I kept having to buy new underwear because I thought I lost them! and not just the clean ones either! What exactly happened to 'Thou shalt not steal' PALADIN?!" _She hissed while trying to catch enough breath to get it all out.

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**At** the thought he just broke one of the rules set by God himself the paladin went silent, when he wanted to speak up again she resumed with._ "Now get out of my bloody closet before I decide to forget there was also 'thou shalt not kill'!" _not knowing what to do the priest took out his bible and cast them a last glance as the pages swallowed him _"Ah'll be back ye abominable creatures"_

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**As** soon as the priest was gone Seras started to calm down _"So that was where my underwear went"_ she giggled, when Seras turned to her master she noticed a wicked smirk plastered to his face_ "uh oh.."_ He chuckled before speaking his mind _"You know that if you drank your blood you could have sensed this and prevented it right, police girl?"_ Seras nodded _"And you know what this means right?" _Seras' eyes went slightly wider as she managed to pathetically choke out the word  
_"Penalty?"  
_His chuckles became louder but did not stop him from replying in an amused tone.  
_"Yes, police girl, penalty."_

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This ish one of those stupid things going though mi head when I is drunk! Nothing about it ish meant to be serious and being so I wills accept flames. X3  
Please be gentle thou! Ya?  
May write more if I gets bored enough! and drunk enough...


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